I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
