i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
