I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
