When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
