i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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