Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
