God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Randomize
