Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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