i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
