Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
