dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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