nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
