We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
