Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You need Xanax blowdarts
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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