I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
