You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
