Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
