During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
