Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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