I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I can tuck mytits in my pants
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
