I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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