dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
