he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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