I have demons in me.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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