if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize