Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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