He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
