I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
