Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
try to milk me bitch
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