somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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