Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
