He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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