I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
