No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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