Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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