I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
