i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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