If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
