I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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