do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
