I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize