i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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