I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
