I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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