I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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