The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
