dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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