p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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