the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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