Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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