I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize