The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
