I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
