So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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