Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
