my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I faked an abortion last night.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
