My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
where are you?
Hypothermia
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
