this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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