Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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