I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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